It’s a frustrating situation, but one that every guy who is experienced with women knows all too well. You’re happily slacking off at work, looking forward to the date you have planned with the hot babe you number closed a few days ago. Then you get the message: “hey I’m really sorry but I just remembered I have to have dinner with my aunt and uncle so I won’t be able to meet tonight.” FUCK! Now you’re going to spend the rest of the night sitting around doing nothing but being angry and depressed, and you have to figure out how to message this girl back and not look like you’re totally desperate or a pushover. Many guys are completely clueless when trying to figure out what to do when a girl flakes on a date.
Yes, this has happened to me many times. It sucks. And it will happen to you when you start getting a lot of girls’ numbers. But despair not! I’m here to talk you through it.
Why Hoes Flake
Before we get into what to do about flakes, it is helpful to get an understanding of why women flake. This will also help reduce the incidence of flakes in the future. There are four main reasons why girls flake on dates:
1) She just doesn’t feel like it.
Contrary to what a lot of guys assume, getting a phone number from a girl is not a particularly meaningful event. Just because a girl gave you her phone number (or Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.) does not mean she’s super attracted to you. She might have been on the fence about you. Or she might have given it to you just so you would go away. Put your ego in check for a moment and be honest with yourself when you get a new girl’s number. Was she giving you other signs that she was attracted? Not all number closes are created equal.
To make matters worse, even IF she was very attracted to you during the initial interaction, that is no guarantee that she still is several days later. Girls–especially young girls–have constant mood changes. The same girl might have been soaking her panties over you yesterday but be totally indifferent toward you today. She just might not feel like going on a date on a given night. Sucks, but it’s part of the game.
2) She’s really nervous.
This is something we as men tend not to understand very well, but women have to be much more cautious than we do, for obvious reasons. It is a frightening thing for a woman to meet a man she barely knows for a romantic rendezvous. She’s probably heard all sorts of horror stories about poor young girls getting raped/kidnapped/murdered by men who seemed nice and normal. Women’s TV propagates this fear constantly. Add this to a woman’s usual insecurities (yes, they get insecure too) about not being pretty enough or interesting enough, etc. to make her date like her, and it might be a very enticing option for the woman to just avoid the whole situation altogether by flaking on you.
3) She’s Testing You
If you’ve spent any time at all reading PUA literature, you probably are familiar with the concept of a shit test (or a frame test). A shit test is something a woman says or does to throw you off your game. Women do this to gauge your response. They want to see if you keep your calm, confident demeanor under stress, since this makes it harder for you to fake. One way a woman might shit test you is by flaking (or appearing to flake) on a date. She wants to see how you respond.
4) Something important actually came up, and she honestly can’t make it.
Most guys seem to assume either that girls flaking are either always telling the truth, or that they’re always lying. In reality, they do some of both. Some excuses really are legitimate. Sometimes you can tell whether an excuse is real or not, but I think it’s generally wiser to avoid assuming either way.
What to Do When a Girl Flakes on a Date
Got all that? Good. Now we’ll get into the juicy, delicious, medium-rare meat of the topic. So a broad flaked on you because she has to take Whiskers to the hospital. Or whatever excuse she gives you. Assuming you like this girl enough to put up with the flake and you don’t want to lose her, what do you do?
My favorite paradigm to consider this situation (as with many others) is to ask: how would a high value man that gets plenty of pussy handle the situation? Think about it, and do what he would do. First, we’ll use this thought experiment to determine the proper attitude to express.
Upon getting a flake, guys will generally react in one of three ways:
1) Feel sad, hurt, or afraid.
This is perfectly natural, and a lot of guys feel this way. Flakes often feel like rejection. You also may be afraid that you’re going to lose a girl that you really wanted. But would a high-value man with lots of sexual options react this way about a girl he barely knows? Highly unlikely. He knows he has plenty of other girls he could be seeing, so he isn’t going to take it too hard. This is the attitude you should display, even if it’s not what you really feel. Fake it till you make it. Do not show sadness, fear, or desperation in this situation. It’s not sexy.
2) Feel angry and/or self-righteous.
Also a perfectly natural reaction. You explicitly made plans with this ho, and she canceled on you. She disrespected you (maybe) and wasted your time. You’re right to feel angry. But what does the high value man do? Sure, he feels angry too. His time is valuable. And since he is a high-value man, he expresses his emotions freely. He lets the girl know he is angry.
But the art here is in determining the proper level of anger to demonstrate. Who is going to be more angry, the high value man who has plenty of other high value activities and other girls to fill the gap in his schedule, or the low value man who is going to be sitting around stewing all night because he has no other options? Which man is going to take the hit to his ego harder? Obviously the latter. So being angry is good, but you don’t want to be too angry. Treat the flake as an annoyance, not a huge insult. Of course, if the girl is a repeat offender, the appropriate level of anger will go up.
3) Act like you don’t care at all.
This is popular advice in the PUA community. The reasoning is that the high value man has so many other options that he doesn’t care at all if one girl flakes, and you want to emulate that. I don’t fully agree. The time of a high value man is valuable, and he doesn’t appreciate it being wasted, even if all he has to do is make a few calls to make other plans. A high value man is going to be somewhat annoyed. And since one mark of an alpha male to emote freely, he should express some annoyance.
So we’ve concluded that the best attitude to take is that of a guy who is a bit angry, but not super angry. What do you actually say? The answer to this will depend somewhat on the girl’s actual flake message.
Now we’re going to take some interest in the excuse itself to determine if she might be shit testing you and you might actually be able to make the date happen after all. Is the excuse something that would actually be a legitimate excuse if true? If she tells you she’s throwing up, or her best friend got in an accident and is in the hospital, or she got called into work: these would all be legitimate. Note that whether the excuse is true or not isn’t relevant here, because she’s not going to say “oh never mind, I’m not sick after all”. She won’t admit she was lying.
Sometimes the excuse is not really a good reason. “I’m tired”, “I don’t feel like it”, and “I need to stay home with my cats” all fall under this category. If this is the case, she might be shit testing you. This is actually good news, because it means the date might be salvageable. In this case, you should be a little bit persistent and try to convince her to come out on the date after all. In a self-amusing, non-needy way, of course.
I like to also assume the sale in this situation. The high value man, after all, knows that women really want to see him. If she says “I’m tired”, I’ll say something like “quit yer whining, drink some coffee, and come meet me at 8.” Then right afterward, in a separate message: “actually make that 8:15, I’m running a little late.” Or if she says “I don’t feel like it”, I’ll say “go try on some outfits, that’ll put you in the mood. I want you to look cute for me anyway.” Sometimes this will salvage the date. I don’t recommend trying more than 2 or 3 times though, since too much looks like you’re pleading.
What if her excuse is a legitimate reason then? You’re probably not going to be able to salvage the date. You are annoyed about this, and rightly so, because now you’re going to have to spend several minutes of your valuable time making new plans. Now here I think it is best to act as though you believe that her excuse is true. You’re a high value man, so naturally you don’t think a woman would flake on you unless there was a really good reason. Because of this you’ll want to show some understanding for her situation.
So the best response shows a mixture of annoyance and understanding. If she says she’s sick, I would respond with something like: “gay” (h/t to Heartiste), then in a separate message right afterward, “feel better, [insert cute nickname here]”. I like the two messages because it shows your initial annoyance (freely emoting is alpha), and then that you thought about it for a second and temper it with a more sensitive, understanding response (showing social calibration).
The last bit of the interaction is the reschedule. Sometimes she’ll offer a specific day/time to reschedule, sometimes she’ll offer to reschedule some other time (non-specific), and other times she won’t offer at all. In all three situations, you should remain noncommittal. She’s just inconvenienced you, after all, and you’re a high value man with lots of other options who haven’t just done something to annoy you.
If she offers a specific reschedule (i.e. “Can we meet Thursday instead?”), I’ll say “maybe. idk what i’ve got going on thursday”. If she offers a non-specific reschedule offer (“let’s meet some time later this week”), I’ll give basically the same answer. Such as: “idk maybe. the rest of the week is pretty busy for me”. If she doesn’t offer any reschedule, I won’t bring it up at all. In all three cases, she should be aware that her bad behavior puts her at risk of losing you. You are the prize, and she should feel lucky if you grant her the privilege of another date. And she’ll be less likely to flake next time.
**Side note: my lack of capitalization/punctuation in text messages is intentional. It communicates that I don’t spend extra time and effort on superfluous language norms that aren’t necessary for what I’m trying to communicate. This makes a much better impression on girls than trying to impress them with polished articulation and grammar.**
Once you’ve gotten that out of the way, you probably have a whole open night ahead of you. Unless you scheduled multiple dates on the same night, which is a great way to naturally avoid being needy about any one girl. But if you did lose all your plans for the night, you may be feeling sad, disappointed and desperate. Perfectly normal.
One bit of advice for what not to do: don’t go texting/calling all the other girls in your phone who are unlikely to meet on short notice and ask them to come meet you. I’ve made this mistake in the past. Girls can smell the desperation from a mile away. In fact, if you’re in a bad mood or feeling desperate, you probably shouldn’t text any girls at all. UNLESS they are girls that you know are already into you (i.e. you’re already sleeping with them on a regular basis) and you aren’t going to scare away. If you have girls like this, absolutely have one come over.
Otherwise, accept that the date is a loss and do something productive and/or enjoyable with the time. Maybe even go read some PUA literature on how to avoid getting flakes in the first place. Perhaps I will share my strategies on that topic in a subsequent post.